‘Youth is happy because it has the ability to see beauty. Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old.’ – Franz Kafka
☁ ☁ ☁
If someone had told me one day that this is how my 21st birthday would look like and feel like, I would certainly not have believed them.
I’m pretty young in the eyes of the world and yet I feel like I’ve jumped the gun… like I’m fighting battles no one should have to fight at 21. I’m for example talking about the voluntary liquidation of my dad’s doctor’s surgery, the enormous debts linked to this same surgery… I have to deal with all of this and face a huge bunch of hypocrites and genuinely mean people along the way.
I have to live with my dad’s silence, with secrets and lies I will probably never untangle. Very soon, I’ll have to sell my horse, which has brought me so much over the past few years, in order to sort out only a slight part of our money problems.
But I think the worst battle I have to fight is facing death inhabiting the soul of one of my most beloved relatives: my dad. A pale face, many tears, tiredness, depression, and suffering: this is what I wake up to every morning, this is what I hear every single day. CANCER.
My dad stopped working at the beginning of 2015 and since June, he’s become extremely dependent on us – my brother, my grandparents and me. He needs help to walk, to have his bath, to eat, and so on.
Living with a cancer patient also means hearing not so nice things on a daily basis, like ‘I don’t know if I’ll still be there when you move to London’ or ‘I may not make it to Christmas’, etc.
It means not wanting to wake up in the morning so that we don’t have to face this reality that’s beyond us.
My grandparents are so strong and beautiful and I don’t know what I’d do if they weren’t here … But the other day I witnessed my grandpa, the strongest man I know, shed a tear and it hurt…
Many people try to imagine what it’s like to live with a cancer patient, but none of them truly knows. Only those who’ve experienced a similar situation can figure it out and know how difficult it is.
I also have a very complicated relationship with my mother, who falls in my estimation more and more each day, when I slowly discover the stories that were hidden and kept secret for such a long time, when I realise I will never find my mother again, when I say to myself the truthful and hurtful words ‘she abandoned me, she does absolutely nothing to help me and she destroyed much of my father’s life’.
I could fill hundreds if not thousands of pages writing about this situation that’s been going on for years and that only worsens: money problems, secrets and lies, my dad’s damaged health and his so-called friends who for the most part are giving up on him or dragging him down (you know… it’s true what they say… that only a few of your friends will always be there for you).
So yeah… if someone had told me a few years ago that my life would be this way today, I would never have believed them.
But in spite of all this, I stay strong. Firstly because I have to but also and mostly because I’ve got terrific grandparents and awesome close friends: Amelie and Maelle, my oldest and best friends, who are always here for me and who I can tell literally everything; Guillaume, a good old friend it is nice to spend some time and have a good laugh with; and Martin, one of my closest and best friends, who I miss loads and wish I could talk to and see before going back to England… You see, they are not numerous at all, you can count them on the fingers of one hand… and I know those ones will always be here…
Despite this whole mess on my 21st birthday, there was nonetheless this little light that came and made the clouds go away. This light… that was you. Your messages, your sweet wishes, your beautiful words, your way of saying or writing them, and you, simply you, my friends.
Thank you so much. I love you all and am so grateful to have you in my life.
LOVE. LOVE. LOVE.