We’ve all experienced this feeling at least once I our life, or should I say this very deep pain we have in the most profound part of our heart (unless you’re that kind of jerk, who loves himself and has absolutely no doubt about his brilliance :p).
I wanted to write about it today, because this feeling is very familiar to me. I’ve always lived with that thought, I’ve always felt that pain. And I have experienced it again quite recently, so…
Don’t ask me why, don’t try to know anything about it. It’s really too complicated and personal: it’s a mix of the demons of the past and the current ones, it’s about so many things at the time…
Not good enough. Not smart enough. Not pretty enough. Not thin enough. Not normal enough. Not thankful enough. Not nice enough. Not enough actually (because the list could be very long otherwise!). That’s what I fear. That’s what I’ve always feared. And it hurts… it hurts so much to live with this feeling, to be convinced that whatever you do, it won’t be enough.
Here’s a quote, which perfectly describes what I feel (because I know that when it comes to feelings, it’s never easy to write so that everything’s clear; and sometimes a little quote, a few words are what we need to understand ourselves a bit better, isn’t it?)
« The pain, say, of making mistakes in public, the pain of rejection, the pain of not being pretty or handsome or tall enough, or delightful and gregarious enough, or rich enough or confident enough, or young enough; the pain of not fitting in, of being an outsider, the pain of being dependent and constantly obliged to be thankful and grateful; the pain of having a dead mother or an idiotic mother or a father who doesn’t seem to love you; the pain of boredom and uselessness and pointlessness; the deep, deep pain of disappointment, and of longing. » – Joanna TROLLOPE
It may be because I am a perfectionist, and consequently I’m never satisfied with what I do, what I look like, how I behave, …
I guess, then, that we simply have to learn to live with it. And that’s all. Even if it’s hard, there’s no miraculous remedy, no obvious solution but to carry on and not forget to smile ;)
And, of course, to
Keep holding on to what we love & enjoy the ride of life anyway ;)
I write to you very soon (I’m already working on the next post, which is likely to come out tomorrow ;)
xoxo my lovely readers <3