A New Year’s Eve tale

NY2016

© Photo by Nishe

2015 started and every night, this 20-year-old girl had the same dream. She wished upon the stars of the dark sky. She wished to go back to the land of Albion which she thought was home for a very long time. She wished to go back and study journalism. And guess what? 2015 made that dream come true for her.

At the end of September, she moved to London. But strangely, this move didn’t feel quite as great as she thought it would. A week and a half after moving in, she got a call from her grandfather telling her that her dad had just fought his last battle against cancer and lost it.

At the beginning of 2015, she was the girl who knew where she was going, what she was doing, what she wanted, and what she strongly believed in.

But suddenly, all of this felt pretty much like an illusion to her. Sleepless nights, dark thoughts and tears flooding her room followed. Billions of questions and diverse interrogations came up and have been torturing her mind since then. What now? What’s the next step? What’s the next dream? What’s the plan? 

Two months later, she started sleeping and dreaming again. Every night, she had that dream of her father coming back home from the hospital. He was tired and still slightly weak but he was here, he was back and it felt like life would be just like before and that it would all be okay. In her dream, she hugged him and whispered to his ear: ‘I’m glad you’re here, dad.’

The following minute, she woke up and she was back in the real world. Once more. A world without her father. A world where life was never going to be the same again. A world where nothing looked as beautiful and magic as it did before.

She’s still in this world. She’s still living. Or rather, surviving.

For Christmas, she came back to France, and got to see her grandparents, her brother and her friends again – in other words, her family. She came back home and it made her feel incredibly lucky to still be alive, because then, she understood that happiness was not a destination or a dream come true or another one, because happiness is this little gem that is hidden in the tiniest and most intimate details and moments of our life.

During her time there, her best childhood friend and her spent hours talking about what they wanted out of this life, about what was going to happen next, and all of this babbling turmoil turned out to bring up many dilemmas and paradoxical situations. Some pretty wise questions to end an intensely emotional year!

Both young women realised that most people their age were all at this particularly difficult time of their life, at this huge crossroad where everyone realises that no one truly knows what they’re doing or where they’re going.

These people, they’re you, they’re me, stuck in front of a white paper and holding a pen in their hand that won’t write anything down, that is hesitating, that doesn’t know anymore.

None of them has the life experience of a 70 years old but they don’t have that of a 5 years old either. They’re half way. They learnt things they didn’t know before, figured out some stuff and realised that life was nothing but a very extremely complicated mess. They’ve gone places and said goodbye forever or just for a while. They realised no achievement was worth it if they didn’t have their friends and family and lover to share it with. They fathomed they didn’t want to be too far from those they loved but still wanted to make some of their biggest dreams come true. And at the same time, they still have so much more to learn and discover and explore and figure out – each of them at their own pace and according to their own terms.

As far as the lost girl is concerned, she knows one thing at that point of the year. She knows what kind of person she wants to be again. She wishes for that child to inhabit her adult body again. She wants to have millions of dreams in her head, and she wants her eyes to be filled with an infinity of stars. She wants sweet words on her mouth, and kisses on her soul. And she wishes to keep all of those she loves close to her heart. It has suffered quite a lot in 2015: it’s been pretty badly broken and it’s going to take time to put all of the pieces back together and open it again – to herself and to others.

2015 has been quite a year. For her and for many people fighting their own battles, their own grief, their own inner demons. And 2015 has taught the girl a few things… She’ll never know anything about the plan because it’s way better – in many ways – to live in the unexpected beauty of the universe. She will go on – whether she wants it or not – because life does go on and it’s up to us to keep up with the pace of the train. And now, as she’s falling asleep and switching off the light, she’s lighting a sweet scented candle, remembering the one she used to spend all of her 31st-s with, and to all of those she loves, she wishes all the best for the upcoming year.

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2 Commentaires

  1. 1st janvier 2016 / 6:45

    Bonne année, Marie! … and a Happy New Year!

    • Marie
      Auteur
      1st janvier 2016 / 12:26

      Thank you! You too, Lasse xx

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