Paulo Coelho once wrote « When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too. » And I love writing, I love posting new articles on the blog and seeing that you, guys, always come more numerous to read them (even if sometimes the inspiration is not there and it probably looks like a real bullshit then!). So I would like to THANK all of you very very much for that! xx
And for this very special reason, I want to improve it (the posts, my English ^^, everything really!) and above all, I want to surprise you, try to find something unusual to do, original and successful at the same time! And I think I’m about to get something but I don’t want to tell you too much about it because I’m not sure of anything yet (but I deeply & truly hope I can do it!).
You may wonder « why so MYSTERIOUS? », but believe me, if I can write THIS POST I really look forward to writing, I think you’ll be anything but disappointed, guys! So as previously mentioned, I HOPE! It is besides Barbara Kingsolver who once wrote that « the very least you can do in your life is figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof. » I know what I want to do, and believe me, I’m quite determined to get it! I am totally determined to write the best & much-talked-about post this blog has ever known! Now you know what to do, guys… CROSS YOUR FINGERS so that I can have concrete and positive ANSWERS (which would allow me, by the way, to write this ‘famous’ POST).
Shel Silverstein once wrote « Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shoudln’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me… Anything can happen, child. Anything can be. » The thing I need to do to write my POST, the interview (notice that you’ve got a clue now ;) ) I’d like to do may seem impossible, unreachable. But as Silverstein said, I’m listening to what that kind of things (the impossibles, unreachables, never haves & whatsoever), and this way, I deeply know & I am truly convinced that ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN! I’ve got FAITH & I may be a fool sometimes or at least a very naive person… but I do trust people. That’s why, I think, I’ll always have this HOPE inside of me ;).
But maybe sometimes, I trust them too much… But when it comes to your family, how can you not trust people? (Well regarding my mother, I probably can… but this is another story!) So here comes the other feelings I have inside of me. I am very HOPEFUL and EXCITED about all this blog stuff (as I previously explained it), but at the same time, I feel a bit betrayed and taken-for-an-idiot by my own father. Indeed in an older post, I explained to you that I was going to postpone my project about moving away to live & study in England, because my dad needed me. I know he does need me, I know it’s better for him when I’m at home. But the thing is that I thought he needed me to be here because of his cancer and all the chemotherapy thing… but actually he wants me to be at home because HE doesn’t want to be alone! Isn’t that selfish? But to be honest I already knew that and I know he gets depressed because of it… So (as I am, I think, a good & nice person) I can’t leave him like that!
I know what you’re wondering right now. « But where does this feeling of BETRAYAL come from then? » Well, apparently my father is SO desperate that he tries to be in a relationship again! And each time he introduces me to a new (let’s say it) « girlfriend », I could realise all my dreams then, he would let me go without any ‘BUT‘. And actually that’s what he’s about to do for Easter when I meet him (and « HER » apparently) in London!!! Oh my Gosh! Does he think that I’m an idiot, that I don’t know what this lady means to him (she’s going to be the 5th one already since the divorce!)?! He’s really unbelievable! It’s just as if he wanted to « sell » something when he talks to me about her! But if he’s happy with her, I’m not going to say anything, I’m just going to be happy for him, and IF it doesn’t work, I would really appreciate if he could let me live my life, like FOR GOOD! So yes, I feel a bit betrayed because he thinks that I don’t know what this is all about!
Anyway, if it works with her or even with the next one (never mind now really!), I’ll be very happy for him but also MAD because I would have postponed one of my dreams for nothing really but a desperate heart (I can understand that it’s hard to be alone, but now I just find it & HIM really pathetic!). I’m sorry… I may seem rude, but I’m not. I’m simply fed up with all that and all I ask for is to live my life the way I think is the best for me! (And THIS doesn’t include staying with my dad until he finds a new wife or whatsoever!!!). We can’t live like this… I can’t. I know that if I go, it will be painful for him, but if I stay in France, it will be painful for me! So it’s kind of a dilemma, isn’t it? I really like this quote of Paulo Coelho : « If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. » It kind of speaks to me… My dad has to choose between my happiness and what he thinks is his (but having his daughter by his sides his entire life can’t make him happy… well, I think?! A dad is supposed to see & want the happiness of his children before his own, isn’t he? And I think that knowing I am happy (in England ^^) could make him even happier… plus he’s going to have someone else to look after him now, he’s not going to need me anymore! (or at least not as much!)).
One word : COMPLICATED! And it’s actually hard to put up with all these feelings because they’re quite the opposite of each other. So I feel good and really excited about all these projects (and especially one :D) with the blog, and at the same time I’ve got all these family problems (but everybody has some, right?!) which are a real burden!
As far as you’re concerned, guys, you know what to do…
Keep holding on to what you love & enjoy the ride of life ;) (and please, pray with me so that my projects can very soon be part of the reality!)