Hey London

Hey London,

It’s already been a week since I visited you. It’s crazy how time flies and seems so tricky at times – making every great moments feel like a few seconds, some microscopic seeds of your life, while tough ones seem to last forever.

You may know I haven’t been at my very best lately and I can’t really explain why… I guess I needed to see you because I missed you so much…

You’re not just a city like there are thousands of others in the world, you’re the place that changed me for the better and got me back on my feet.

You’re the place where I met those people, that angel and where I had those experiences that showed me, proved to me that there’s always hope… no matter how dark and desperate things might look or sound, there are still these people and these places like you, London, that always manage to bring a smile back on your face.

It’s been a short but amazing weekend and somehow unreal too. I got to see some of my friends again. I was hugged and cheered up and I feel so thankful for those moments…

I also went to see a musical, Wicked. Going back to the theatre always feels incredible to me because it feels like I’m back where I belong – back in this creative and fiery environment.

It makes me think… when I showed my CV to one of my English teachers, she said to me: “what I see when I look at your CV is a creative person”. And it felt really good to hear that. When I try to remember how I got here, how I got to now, what happened to me, I realise I was drifted away from my natural path. I’ve always been a creative person but it was never really the idea my parents had of my future or the idea they had of my career. I used to dance and I used to play theatre and I loved that. But then, it was time for high school and thus time for serious business – at least, according to my family. So I stopped playing theatre. I stopped dancing. I went to a scientific class because at the time, my parents told me it was the best option when you didn’t really know what you wanted to do.

I was so lost at 15, I didn’t truly know who I was, I had actually never taken the time to think about it and so I followed my parents and teachers’ pieces of advice and… I lost myself. My creativity had been put aside, left out for way too long and I guess I didn’t know it at the time, but I think one of the reasons why I got into depression was because I could not entirely be myself. In the sense that something was missing and that something was me being creative and arty. I couldn’t be the real me because this person was put aside by relatives and teachers who had other plans for me and my life.

But between then and now, I met you, London, and I found myself again. I wasn’t lost, just buried 6 feet underneath earth. I met you and I met him and… it all came back. Step by step but it did come back and it still is… My creativity has come back. Oh it’s not perfect every day… sometimes it goes away, takes some holidays and only comes again when it’s ready. But generally, I now manage to create things again out of nothing but my own mind; and I don’t care anymore if people think I’m weird because there’s this place on earth where I can be the weird little me and still be loved…

I’ve come a long way, London, and that’s mostly thanks to you.

Last weekend again, you gave me a new perspective of what my future could be with the open day at LSBU… this university that offers a MA in journalism in the context of a department that’s very dear to my heart and that is ‘Culture, Writing and Performance’.

You’ll always have that something in store that’s able to colour my soul again and light up the darkest parts of my mind… and I’ve got to tell you that this time, a walk in the rain while you were switching on your Christmas lights was all I needed to believe in magic again…

Three days are quickly gone and it was time for another tearing goodbye…

I feel very sad though I wouldn’t say I’m sad… I’m just feeling something that’s so big it sometimes tears me apart… But it’s not always in a bad way.

I just need time to come back… again. I know I won’t recover from this… I never have anyway. It’s just going to take days and weeks and months to sort of get me back on my feet. I say ‘sort of’ because there will still be this emptiness inside my heart and body telling me something’s missing… It’s an awful pain that never really goes away, a feeling that grips your ribs and twists them to bleeding when I leave you…

I’m going to miss you a lot but as long as you’re in my heart… I guess you’re never really that far…

Marissa Mayer once said, “You can’t have everything you want, but you can have the things that really matter to you.”

So there is hope. There’s always hope.

Love from me

I shall see you around.

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