That’s what Jamie told me the other day when I said to him I really didn’t want to go back to France.
The answer seems so obvious! But maybe it is!? After all, why would I go if I don’t want to? why would I come home if that makes me unhappy, sad and depressed? There is no point in it, apart from the happiness of my dad apparently!
I know this is already the second time I write about it, but it truly tortures me! I know I’ll have to go back in a few months and I will… and I also know that ANYWAY I’ll be back here for good in less than two years (and I’m not even talking of all the opportunities I’ll have so that I can come back within the next two years! :D), but the only thought of leaving my dad alone when I know it will destroy him (even in two years! Even if he has two years to get his head round the idea… It will still not be enough for him!) also kills me!
But when I think about it, I clearly see that my dad is being selfish! The other day, I talked to him on the phone and he told me that even if he knew I was really happy in England (and that actually I’ve never been that fine for quite a long time), he couldn’t get used to living without me! Oh Come On!!!! It’s not because he can’t “live without me”, it’s just because he needs some company! He didn’t especially want to see me when he was with his NEW girlfriend in London the other day (I spent my Saturday evening on my own, because they were going to the opera!), even if, initially, the aim of their trip was to see me (not that I think I’m essential, but when he told me this girl offered him a weekend in London (which actually was not true… I figured it out during the weekend! NO COMMENT.) because she knew he NEEDED to see me, and so on, and so on, well excuse me if I understood they were REALLY coming to see me!).
I nevertheless spent a wonderful weekend in London (it’s always great ANYWAY!), I didn’t get lost in the tube (which I think deserves a congratulation, doesn’t it?! :p) and I met Jamie, a very nice person!
But here I am now! I’m gonna go back to France in a few months, be the girl of the family again and try to put up with all the mess (the one I’m likely to find when I come home (because with two men, two dogs and a cat in it… I don’t want to imagine how it’s gonna look like! :s) but also the ‘family’ one). Indeed, I’ll have to face my brother, who’s getting more and more withdrawn, my dad and his all-the-time complaining (it gets really annoying as the time passes by) , my too protective & even possessive grandparents and my irresponsible, dizzy & frivolous mother! (Even if I don’t see her anymore, I can assure you that I hear from her everyday… and not in a good way if you know what I mean!).
Anyway, all I know now is that I feel SAFE here, in England. I know these problems are still here and will somehow always be if there’s at least still one person (in my family), who doesn’t move on… But I want to move on and feel HAPPY & SAFE. I chose England to be so, and I know I will. After all, what are not even two years in a life? We could say nothing… but here and now, I came to the point that it’s maybe two years too many.
Some people will say that I run away from all this, some others will simply say that I follow my dreams! And I say that it may be both! But I don’t mind, because I know that I’ve found a home (you know this place you call HOME your entire life wherever you go, wherever you are). Well, England is that place for me :). And as one says, we always find our way back home. Right?
“We all flee in hope of finding some ground of security”
― M.T. Anderson, The Kingdom on the Waves
And as far as you’re concerned, my lovely dear readers, I think you know what to do…
Keep holding to what you love & enjoy the ride of life ;)